Chally Shares: from the Inside Out

Ok, I told him. I put it out there in the universe how I felt. And it was cool. It was good. But, what now? Where do we go from here? How do we proceed to that next step? That next stage? That next phase? I mean, I’ve been out of this loop for so long I really have no clue of the rules. It’s obvious to me that the rules have changed, but was it for the better?

For me, no. It isn’t for the better. I’m too “old school” for this newfangled way of dating and it irks the hell out of me. Things that were once considered out of the question are now ordinary. Good manners and chilvary are long gone, as well as creativity and actually putting some thought behind things. Everything today is just wam-bam-let’s-do-this-now-we-go-together. Um…. nah.

And while I’m “old school” about things, he seems to be a part of this new school way of doing things. I can agree with the “closed mouths don’t get fed” thing, but goodness gracious, how much do I have to say? I’m lost here.

Anywho, back to him. I’m feeling him. He knows it. I’m getting the impression that he feels the same. But he’s really busy. I’m busy. And our “busy’s” are like two totally different.  So, like seriously, what now?

Sigh, 

Challions

I should really be asleep, but Panama Jackson of VerySmartBrothers.com has reawakened a lot of memories. I sit here now crying tears of both joy and sorrow as I remember why I love and despise the month of April.

I almost lost my mom nine April’s ago due to this fool and his ignorance. But my mom is not a victim. No. She’s a fighter. She’s a winner. She’s a survivor. 

My aunt was born in April. She suffered from MS. I didn’t understand exactly what it was, but I knew that when it hit, it hit hard. Medicine became her escape.We lost her in 06. Such a beautiful spirit. Such a devastating loss. But she suffers no more.

My grandfather was born in April. He was my everything!!! He always called me his Number One. Every guy I’ve ever dated was held in comparison to him. In 2009, my grandfather had a heart attack outside in his backyard. He died the next day. And what kills me every single time I think about him is that before I can fully enjoy the good memories, I’m plagued by the guilt of not making it to his funeral. 

I know that my grandfather lived a long and prosperous life. And that his legacy lives on through his children, his grandchildren, and me, his Number One.

Now I can smile as I remember the good and the sad because I know that they all know that I love them and I will always hold them in my heart.

Everyone is questioning this so-called “change” in me, wondering about its origins. Well, allow me to put the rumors to rest:

No, I don’t have a boyfriend. No, I’m not pregnant. No, I did not win the lottery.

I’m different because I think differently. I’ve finally figured out who I am and where I want to be. Not only do I know where I want to be, I’m making moves to get there. There were things about myself that I chose to be in denial about, thinking that if I didn’t acknowledge it, it wouldn’t be true. Those things I have now come to accept.

I’m different because I finally love the total me. Don’t get me wrong, I loved me before. However, I was always nitpicking with myself about the things I didn’t like. Instead of trying to “fix” them, I wallowed in “woe is me” mode.  I had unhealthy habits that I am now dispersing. I wasn’t on the right path spiritually. And, to be honest, I wasn’t really doing the whole “love my neighbor as I love myself” thing. I’ve learned to do better, to act better, to live better, and to be better. It’s a process, and yes I will stumble, but now I’m not afraid to get back up.

You see, the thing is this. This “change” isn’t new. It has been in the works for a nice little minute. What you’re seeing now is progress. And progress, my friends, is a grand thing.

Sincerely yours,

Challions

I saw you as a brother from different a mother. Me, I was your sister from a whole ‘notha mister. But instead you saw red. Not red as in anger but red as in love; hearts, flowers, candies, that sort of thing. Now I’ve got love for you. I can even say I love you but in love I am not and I doubt that I ever will be. Not trying to hurt your feelings. I just have to burst that bubble. See I can’t be in love with you because I’m busy loving another. I’m busy loving…

…you. You saw me as your sister. You felt you were my brother. All the while I was seeing red. Not red as in anger but red as in love; hearts, flowers, candies, that sort of thing. You’ve got love for me. I can even say you love me but in love you are not and I doubt that you ever will be. It kinda hurts my feelings but the bubble has to burst. See you can’t be in love with me because you’re busy loving another. You’re busy loving…

…her.  She saw you as a brother. She thought she was your sister. But instead you were seeing red. Not red as in anger but red as in love; hearts, flowers, candies, that sort of thing. I mean, she has love for you. I know for a fact that she loves you but in love she is not and I doubt she ever will be. I know it hurts your feelings but I just have to burst that bubble. See, she can’t be in love with you because she’s in love with…

…him. And he’s in love with me. And I’m in love with you. And you’re in love with her. And she’s in love with him. And he’s in love with me. And I’m in love with you. And you’re in love with her. And she’s in love with him. And he’s in love with me. And I’m in love with you. And you’re in love with her. And she’s in love with him. And he’s in love with me. And I’m in love with you. And you’re in love with her. And she’s in love with him. And he’s in love with me. And I’m in love with you.

And we all hang out together.

Before falling asleep last night, I thought about Sam. I made a mental note to blog about him today, so here it is. 

Simply put, I miss Sam. 

Who is Sam? Sam and I met when I was 16 years old. We met in one of the most unorthodox ways, but still built and maintained a beautiful friendship for 7 years. During that time, Sam and I were strictly platonic, brother and sister, straight up pals. We shared our daily stories, bounced ideas of of each other, complained about boyfriends/girlfriends, and advised one another through some really difficult times. We were inseparable. When I left Memphis for school, Sam would make the drive to MT, so that we could just hang out like old times. Especially if he felt that I was in some kind of trouble. He was my outside positive male influence who basically gave me the confirmation that there really are some good guys out there. 

Over the years, the dynamics of our friendship changed, but Sam and I still keep in touch. Holidays and birthdays bring about cards and phone calls. Every so often there is the occasional “hey, what’s up, just thinking about ya” text.

I know that Sam was put into my life for both a reason and a season. And although his season is over I miss him more and more as time goes by. 

Reminiscing, 

Challions

deependshallowpool:

“When I wake up… I look into the mirror… I can see a clearer… Vision… I should start living today”- The Roots

One of the greatest feelings is when you wake up and the anxieties of the world is not affecting you in the least bit. There is not a single fuck given to the stressors of life. You simply look in the mirror, smile and say “I’m fucking awesome”

[singing] Mama always told me it was gonna happen, but she never told me when… [/singing]

Perhaps that song doesn’t fit my current so-called dilemma, but the question remains the same. Is this the end? When I let something (or someone) go, I have the common courtesy to give that, “hey, this isn’t working, I’m not having fun anymore, yea, I’m just gonna bounce” speech. And usually, the people I’ve dealt with have been [nice] enough to do the same. So what is proper protocol when someone disappears into thin air? I mean, one minute things are all hunky dory (did I just say hunky dory?) and the next, nothing. No calls, no texts, no Facebook messages.

I sound bitter, huh? Well, I am. Not bitter because he disappeared (after all, it HAD to end eventually). I’m bitter because 1) he didn’t follow protocol, and 2) I was suppose to be the one to disappear. LOL, I’m kidding.

Perhaps I gave off signals that I was growing bored with the state of our arrangement. Perhaps something shifted in the universe and that whole ‘transference of power” thing happened. Or perhaps he’s really just a douchebag who should know better than to leave without saying goodbye. That’s what happens when I let my guard down.

Oh, well. I guess I know better next time. It was fun while it lasted.

Back behind a wall,

Challions